When I was eighteen and had no idea what I was doing, I decided to hold some auditions for a short film. I had heard both Woody Allen and Billy Wilder say that ‘comedy should always be faster’.
So, that day, I told every actor, ‘that was great, but could you try it faster.’ This worked very well until the afternoon, when my tiredness and hunger turned me into a grumpy person incapable of functioning. When the final actor came in, I was ready to be finished – and struggled to remember my direction about pace.
“Could you go quicker so we can finish this up please,” is what came out of my mouth. The actor, rightfully offended, looked at me in a way I’ve never forgotten.
That is, I think, the worst direction I have ever given. No doubt, most actors have received far worse. I asked them to share their bad audition and on set experiences. Below is a sampling.
Leading lady to me after first take: “Do you think he’d be like that? I don’t think he’d be like that.”
— Hugh Bonneville (@hughbon) October 9, 2020
“Wave your arms around when you’re talking. That’s what people in real life do”
— Alexander King (@AlexKing_Actor) October 8, 2020
While shooting a sitcom, “Don’t be funny.”
— Greg “Wear Your Mask” Proops (@GregProops) October 8, 2020
“In this scene, although it has no relevance what so ever, I want you to imagine you need a big shit, and you’re trying to get upstairs”
… annnnnd action!
— Jack P Shepherd (@JackPShepherd88) October 8, 2020
Also had dir make me do another take because, to quote: “You looked SO ugly when you were crying. You wouldn’t like it. Honestly, your face.. just horrible.” He then proceeded to scrunch his face up to do impression of said ugly crying. 😐 https://t.co/IqBVBvWSsz
— Georgia Taylor (@RealGeorgiaT) October 8, 2020
Can you shake you’re head you know in that way … that way you know that you people do… https://t.co/4WqogbiTPD
— Shobna Gulati do gooder wokey lefty luvvie (@ShobnaGulati) October 8, 2020
‘Lets go again because of your speech impediment’ ( i hadnt realised i had one!!!) 🤣
— Jane Danson (@RealJaneDanson) October 8, 2020
“Act like this is good and you’re having fun”. Got the part, for the record. It was for a music video and no, I won’t tell you which one. https://t.co/yCNvnls7P8
— Ethan Lawrence (@EthanDLawrence) October 8, 2020
“You’re a lump of butter in a hot pan. Go!” https://t.co/W6XuP1oL1e
— Rob Mallard (@Rob_Mallard) October 8, 2020
George Lucas to me on the set of #RedTails in front of a green screen imaginary plane. “You remember Brad Pitt in Fight Club? He was angry. Be Angry!” https://t.co/cV4LJ7RMZv
— Ryan Early (@RyanJPEarly) October 8, 2020
Director: Are you nervous?
Me: No…?
Director: It’s just that it’s reading on camera like you’re really nervous…
Me: Oh….. (nerves kick in- vicious cycle repeats) https://t.co/kwRqxjiE9C
— Greg McHugh (@gregjmchugh) October 8, 2020
“Don’t turn sideways to deliver that line because you’ve got a very ugly profile.” 🤪
(Now, when I’m directing, I make sure I NEVER give a note that is personal because y’know, it stays with you!) https://t.co/XoGnSGhRw7
— James Robert Moore (@James_R_Moore) October 8, 2020
‘I wanted a beautiful actress but I went for comedy instead with you. So, could we dye your hair or something? Because you’ve got to be more attractive.’ Also a friend of mine got ‘you’re giving me Piccadilly line but I want Northern line.’ https://t.co/9gMOaiblob
— Jane Slavin (@JaneSlavin) October 8, 2020
On a film set:
“Can you be bigger?”
“Like, more theatrical?”
“No, just physically larger. Like a bigger person.” https://t.co/nf10JpQhFS— Ian Porter (@IanPorterporter) October 9, 2020
A director once kept comparing me to another actor who had been up for my role, asking if I could do it more like he had in the audition. When I jokingly enquired why they hadn’t cast him, the director deadpanned “He was too handsome” https://t.co/x6igfktAQX
— Charlie Condou (@Charliecondou) October 8, 2020
2018 on set. Male director, “Clench your bum when you say the line.” https://t.co/5ZlKlnGGMz
— Sinéad Keenan (@SineadKeenan) October 8, 2020
“You’re not actually going to do it like that, are you?” https://t.co/OU3W3VrEM6
— Barnaby Edwards (@BarnabyEdwards) October 8, 2020
Just be sexier 👀 https://t.co/RrLiEFFU1A
— Georgia Maguire (@georgiamaguire) October 9, 2020
“I want your tears to stop here” the director said as he pointed to the middle of my cheeks ( face cheeks, not butt cheeks….😂) https://t.co/VlXFHnMpZd
— Lucy Briers (@lucyjbriers) October 8, 2020
Do it again but funnier. https://t.co/BiDVRhb1Yc
— Ingrid Oliver (@ingridoliver100) October 8, 2020
I was told to run quieter. Over gravel.
— Pat Harkin (@dwauctioneer) October 9, 2020
For a voice over:
“Can you increase the Chinese accent by 5%?”
(Tempted to do a Spinal Tap Eleven, I do exactly the same.)
“Perfect!”
— Paul Chan (@paulychan) October 9, 2020
‘Are you ok jamie, you seem a bit quiet?’
‘Yeh I’m just getting ready for the scene’
‘Ah! You’re acting… ok I’ll leave you to it’
‘…cheers’
— Jamie Shelton (@j4shelton) October 8, 2020
“Can you do it again, but do it sarcastic but not sarcastic at the same time?”
— James Alexandrou (@JamesAlexandrou) October 9, 2020
‘I only wanna see the top half of your butt’
— Olivia Mace (@livmace) October 8, 2020
‘do you want a glass of water or something, you seem nervous?’
‘no. i’m acting nervous. for the scene.’
‘ah, but it seems like you actually ARE nervous.’
‘um. that’s good isn’t it?’
this director then told everyone i couldn’t act.— Alice Lowe (@alicelowe) October 8, 2020
‘Can you say the whole line quicker, but each individual word more slowly.’
— Beth Lewis (@bethilew) October 9, 2020
“Let me show you how to do it.” (Pretty self-explanatory)
— Julia Effertz (@JuliaEffertz) October 8, 2020
