I have recently uncovered Neil Armstrong’s secret diaries, written from the surface of the moon. What follows are some key excerpts, revealing a fascinating insight into his experiences.
20 June 1969.
Arrived on the moon today, enjoying it so far although rumours of a water-based adventure park turned out to be a dud.
20 June 1994.
Hi, it’s Neil! From the moon! Sorry I haven’t written sooner it’s just that I haven’t been able to afford the postage.
With all my spare time up here I managed to build myself a machine out of old spacecraft parts which I’m able to link up with the new internet invention back home. Haven’t had chance to email NASA yet as I’ve been busy on the chatrooms. Been talking to Andrea from Michigan who’s keen to date but we’ve thus far been unable to agree on a location.
22 August 1995.
Just found out Tom Hanks made a film about Apollo 13? What about me and Apollo 11? I was the first man on the moon, and I’ve been stranded here since 1969, but still I don’t get a film?
24th November 2009.
Finally got a Twitter account. Was great to catch up with my fanbase.
25th November 2009.
Just got into a Twitter argument with a feminist. Turns out my “One giant leap for mankind” line was “full of male privilege”. Tried to explain myself but was stopped for “mansplaining.”
27th November 2009.
Been trending on Twitter for days. Got into another argument with a guy who says the Moon Landing was fake and suggested I’ve been “stranded in a Hollywood Studio for 40 years”. I said, “that sounds like a terrible story” and he said “precisely why I think you’re in Hollywood.”
25th August 2012.
Just saw on Wikipedia that I passed away today. Guess this makes it even more unlikely that I’ll get high speed internet up here.
21st June 2014.
I’ve recorded a new Drum n’ Bass record but am struggling to get the record labels interested. Does anyone know anything about self-publishing?
14th August 2015.
Numerous factual inaccuracies in the Matt Damon film ‘The Martian’. Not willing to elaborate.
15th August 2015.
The whole concept is ridiculous. Man hasn’t even been to Mars.
16th August 2015.
I think The Martian clearly shows people on Earth feel guilty about leaving me stranded.
17th August 2015.
A few tweets suggesting I’m particularly aggrieved with Hollywood. Not true.
18th August 2015.
Okay listen I’ve been stranded on the Warner Brothers Secret Underground Stage since 1969 and would really appreciate being rescued as I am now out of tinned food.
*The accuracy of these diaries has not been confirmed.
